Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Hindi Ki Gaaliyaan

Hi again, this is amit x, wanting to share with you some of the nuances of Hindi which will help you survive north of the Vindhyas. Yes, as you guessed right, I am taking the help of a bloody dark skinned, curd rice eating Southie with his oily scalp resembling a Nepali chooth (Yes, we love to lay, rape and subjugate our Himalayan neighbours) to translate what I am speaking in my beloved Hindi. Better than these southies any day saala, the fucking stare at that hippopotamus Namitha all day and masturbate . . .

Hindi is such a complex and diverse language, almost as diverse as our caste system .. since the rapidex book purchased by most of our parents was unfortunately devoid of the letter 'h', we would like to use the term Jat for the caste as well as for foliage!! since, we're all united in our boorishness when we come down south, we also believe in imposing our wonderful language on these uncultured dravidian barbarians!! We are so intolerant that we dropped Dinesh Karthik from the Indian Cricket Team because his surname was spelt wrong, like a bloody Nigger southie . .. .everyone knows that it is spelt as K-A-R-T-I-K. The name should carry the bite of a bloodsucking tick!! Our parents were smart beerye, a name with an extra 'h' would definitely be hard to spell, ki we atleast get 5 marks in dictation for spelling our name correctly. Enough about spellings you bloody southie, hundred odd words in english strung together is giving me a headache, matlab yeh bahut nainsafi hai.

I am tryying to get these Southies to atleast count in hindi numbers bhai. . . . how can they not understand what ikatees is! Thats the number of states you have in India if you count Meri Diilli! Arre yaar, they are so boring down in Chennai . .no place to go only, just their usual german film festivals and all. who can spend an entire evening reading angrej subtitles other than a southie. there aren''t even Nepali women here to grope! Arre Amit, thu idhar aaao, I am dying here. recently I walked into a 5 star disco, but the dj is refusing too play any bhangra. . . he is just playing ssoome sickening jungle trance!! Thats the fiirst time in my life that ii have been to a disco without having listened to the words 'munde' or 'kudiya' for over 3 hours. To add to my agony, i had to come back to my room in a shared auto with a bunch of Tamil rowdies who threw me weird stares when I called my father a madarchodh over the phone! How wrong is that, we northies call everyone a madarchodh, just don't mention whose mother, thats all!!!

You finally know what pisses me off the most about southies????? they don't use enough bloody punctuation marks . . . . don't they understand that punctuation marks are the first chapter in RAPIDEX???

Decoding the Amit

Hi people. This is Amit here. By now you wud've guessed that I hail from Delhi. Every alternate Delhiite or Northie is named Amit.. thats the only I dont like about north india.. hell it is lot better than Thambi..Amit is a glorious term that I associate with myself and all other fellow Delhiites n more generally Northies...
I was quite happy till the age of 16. I was living in Amitland with fellow Amits all around and there was only Lassi, Bhangra n Altaf Raja in our lives.. n then one day damn.. everything was thrown out of place.. literally i mean.. i was hurled from Amitland to South India.. land of the nuts or rather say Coconuts..
This is absolute discrimination.. we Amits dont get to study in Amitland and we are packed off to these weird south indian places.. I mean for the kind of marks we Amits score we wudnt be allowed to piss even near the gates of IIT.. The greatest Amit I have heard and that too from Amitland is Chetan Bhagat.. I just love him. He is such an Amit. His latest book 2 states..man he takes the mickey out of these south indians... but hell he is the only Amit I know who speaks passable English..
We Amits generally lack in anything that is related to English.. Led Zep means Ladkiyaan.. Pink Floyd means Pottiyaan.. Megadeath means Mundeya...I am surprised by my knowledge of such band names..I thought the greatest rock band was Magik.. but these fukers tell me thats just a movie and no band like that exists..Bull Shit.. U dont fool an Amit..not at the first time itself...
I mean I agree when compared to these Thambi's ( gen. South Indians) I accept that Enlish speaking skills is what we lack.. But we more than make up for it.. We have read more Rapidex courses than the Idli's those Thambi's have devoured. We can tell word by word from the Rapidex book. Even the Profs were moved when they found out that Rapidex - learn English in 30 days was the bestseller in Delhi.. I mean North India..We Amits are not that bad either.. We believe in National Integration.. The Rapidex they say was written by a Thambhi..

We make everyone have Lassi when they turn up at our places and we make them have more Lassi when they turn up at our marriages.. See we do invite everyone..The songs we listen to are very simple.. They contain a mix and match of words like Balle, Shaawa, Munda, Heere, Nachle,,Chak De, Ishq, Pyaar, Mohabbat, Saajan etc. in various permutations and combinations. Dont you dare think for a sec that there are no more words in Hindi.. Just that we dont have the brains to churn out anything creative.. rither music or lyrics.. WTF i mean we are little lazy thats all.. I dont how the fuck they credit Carnatic Music to the Thambi's. I mean once upon a time we Delhiites (Read Mughals)ruled the entire country.. so Carnatic muisc originated from us.. same with Classical music.. WTF said it originated in Dharwad.. I agree that the Peda originated from there.. We Amits ruled the enitre country.. All the creative spark, the cultural heritage we distributed it to you people.

And all these south indian languages sound the same man.. I mean Malayalam, Kannada, Tamil, Telugu.. WTF its everything the same.. These kannadiga's speak Tamil and then why the hell do they fight with these tamils.. I mean dont Kannadiga's belong to Tamilnadu.. All these people are then same.. They are not unique like us Amits.. We have similar tastes in Music, Movies, Literature (Rapidex - Learn English in 30 Days),Dresses, Smell ( V dont take bath.. he he.. Thats why we dont fight over water like TN-->Karnataka). We all also end up loving the same girl. Our tastes are so common.

We are such a big force.. we Amits.. we make sure we are heard where ever we go.. I mean we are that loud.. We were the prime reason Kotler and Keller came up with a Hindi version of Marketing Management...विपणन प्रबंधन

None can beat us in the usage of Google.. Thats how we got them to have a Hindi Portal as well 'cos were looking for meanings like Rotund, Obtuse, Chardonnay etc. The meaning wasnt enuf 'cos again the bloody meaning was in English.. This meant we had to go over to Rapidex and decode it.. What a waste of time.. And that's when one of our Amits (Amit's friend actually)decide to end this ugly stalemate. He was the brainchild behind Google kicking off it's translator page. I heard he used a Thambi for that 'cos the page itself is in English.. But never mind small diversions..

We Amits love everything from Bappi Lahiri to Altaf Raja. We can make any song a superhit, any album a bumper hit as long as it is Hindi. How else do you think movies like Judwaa, HAHK etc were a hit. How else do you think we sunk Dil Se, even though it was a masterpiece made by that Thambi Maniratnam ( We Amits hate the 'h', thats why Amit :-)). I agree that was once when we Amit's could do nothing.. regarding the music.. I must agree it was way too good for even us Amits to sabotage.. But we did bring the movie down saying it was pointless, baseless. We even used words like Bad Screenplay ( What ever the fuck that means!) to screw the movie. Let me share a secret which only we Amits know. We dint understand the movie actually.. he he he.. Damned ingenious it was.. wasnt it..

I think this gave you a little intro about Amit.. Take a sneep peak at some Amits here:
1. Amit1
My My what a response and ruckus it created. The responses and rebuttals and a myriad of links to various Amits and Non- Amits.
Response to Amit1
Now what do we do about this Amit. May be get Krish Ashok and his Thambi's involved here too...I mean I guess this Amit wants publicity.. As a fellow Amit I would create it for him.. 368 comments for that.. I hope Amit2 ( Amit's friend.. i.e. my fiend) breaks all statistical records..

Dont miss to catch up with your favorite Amit right here.

P.S.:- The name Amit is so cool. Way cooler than some Subramaniam or Thiru Kumaran.